There is no way to fully express what it is like to be a mother, but I am going to try.
In the months leading up to Jonas's birth, I wondered what it would be like to love him. Of course, I was already starting to understand, but I knew it would evolve once I met him. Little did I know it would continue to evolve and grow constantly.
I adore him with the kind of love that you can barely put into words. He is a fun person to be around. He makes my heart ache with joy for everything he is, and everything he is yet to be.
With each passing day, I learn more about him. His likes, his desires. He is happy, chatty, and outgoing. Despite this, he is quiet around large groups, until he gets more comfortable. He is a storyteller, a natural born performer, and a touch sensitive. The older he gets, the more I realize how much he is like me. How he is just like I was when I was a child.
I want to give him everything in the world he could ever want, but I don't want to spoil him.
I want to spend every moment playing with him, but I don't want to smother him.
I want him to have endless amounts of happy experiences, but I understand he needs to feel pain and disappointment, too.
I don't want to fuck this up. I don't want to fuck him up. Every decision I make, I hope is the right one. The best one for him. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing good. Other times, I just try my hardest, and hope he will grow up to see that.
Being a parent is a constant balancing act. Being firm and being fun.
It is a daily test of patience. You are pushed to your limits and wonder how you can possibly make it to bedtime without losing your damn mind. But then, you do. And the next day is better, or filled with different challenges.
There is laughter, there are tears. Every single cliche you've ever heard, and then some.
I find myself scooping him up in my arms and wishing the moment could last forever; looking down at him giggling at me and asking me to "kiss me so hard". I want to bottle that moment up, but he's already running away to grab his cars or build a Lego tower.
Happy Mother's Day to all of my mommy friends. I'll be cheering you on through every victory, and consoling you through every defeat. There will be many. But just know that you are loved, and we are doing the best we can.
Sneaking in a photo during yesterday's snuggle time ;)